Break the Pattern

I spent 17 years building a pattern. No, that's not true. I spent 36 years building various patterns. Some of my patterns are well woven replications of wonder and strength. Some patterns are reflections of life that are amazing. Other patterns are images of a great life with happiness, respect and honor. Then, there are the soiled and stained patterns. There are torn patterns from a lesson I was taught. The lesson that stated, 'you make your bed, you lie in it'. II mistakenly took that to mean that no matter what was done on to me, because I put myself in the position, I had to put up with it.

Certainly, that I realize, was not what I needed to do. At the time, I did not know better. Well, that too is a misnomer. I tolerated a lot more than I would from anyone else in my seventeen year relationship and marriage to my son's father because he was an alcoholic. I know alcoholism is a disease. How was I to leave a sick man? Doesn't the vow state in sickness and in health. Ironically, vows were not said until a year before the end of seventeen years of progressive abuse. All the same, I took the commitment seriously. It 's what I was taught.

Oprah Winfrey made this statement, "You did then what you knew best and now that you know better, you will do better." This statement led me to realize that I did what I knew, which was to do the best I could with what I had in me to do. Now, I know better. I do better, some days. Other days, I struggle to do my best.

I recognize that I do not have to stay in a bed that was made with a man who mistreats me. I do not have to tolerate inappropriate behavior from anyone. I do not have to be nasty, controlling or manipulating either to change those around me who mistreat me. I do not have to save those sick with addictions. I can only handle me. I can only change me. I can only be me.

I lived a dual life. I now live one life. My life. I no longer lie to gain approval. I no longer lie to protect those who seek my protection. I no longer lie to be the person someone thinks they love. I will sooner have you hate me for me than love me for who I am not. If I'm upset, I do not repress it. If I'm happy, I do not hide it. If I am wrong I do not deny it. If I'm right, I will share it.

I spent too many years trying to be who I was not. I will not spend the rest of my years repeating the same patterns. I will forge a path that utilizes my strengths, improves upon my limitations and remain true to the one person who loves me the most - me. I will lean on the one constant in my life - God. I will befriend those who respect me as I am. I will walk with those who bring value of truth, honor and sincere genuineness in truth of themselves.

Every day I learn more. Every day I come to know better. Every day I do better. Even in the days of struggles I do better than I did the struggle before. Thank God I can recreate some of the patterns of my unwoven sweater of life and make it new!!